Is This a Good Beginning?
So I am only 13. And I know I keep asking if my writing is good 
sorry. But I am really unsure about my book and I would very much like to get it published. So what better way then to ask other people? : D Okay so is this beginning suspenseful? Do you have ideas of how it can be improved? Please help me out. I would really appreciate it.(I know that it does not explain characters or anything. It is on purpose! To grab the readers attention so that learning the characters seems worth it)
I hear shooting that sounds distant. I lift the scope up to my face and look around. I can’t find where the bullets are coming from. I lower the scope and keep searching without using the scope of my Anti-Hostile Long Range Rifle. It is one of the newest sniper rifles. I look to my left and I see my partner has moved up to a rock, farther ahead. He lowers his head behind the rock while bullets bounce off the other side. I look above him and see a head poking out from behind a pile of sand bags. “There he is..” ,I mumble to myself as I lift my scope back up to my face. I get the enemy centered in the middle of my scope and hold my breath to keep the sniper as steady as I can. I start to slowly pull the trigger when I hear a low grunt. I pull the trigger back all the way and bring the sniper down from my face. I know who made that sound. I run over to my partner. He is on the ground with a grape sized hole in his throat. He squeezes my arm tight until his eyes gather an empty look. I let go of his hand and I let out a few kind words about him. But, there are still others who need my help so I must go help them. I run towards the sound of my squads weapons. I drop my sniper because I have used the last bullet. I continue to run for about 10 minutes until I get to another member of my squad. I see him sitting in a pit straight ahead but then I stop. Something doesn’t feel right. I close my eyes briefly and I hear breathing behind me. I dive to the side in time to dodge a knife that would have found a home in my skull. I lift up my FR22 assault rifle and I blindly spray bullets in my attackers general direction. He falls to the ground with a thud. I crawl over and I pry the knife from his hands. This could come in handy considering I only have one mag of ammo left plus the little remaining ammo that is currently in my FR22. I get down on the ground and I do my best to hit the far away enemies that my only remaining squad member is shooting at. I release the empty mag from my rifle and I slide in my last mag. I keep shooting at the enemies but they are not dropping. My squad member turns towards me and nods. I know what he means. He is signaling me to help him with a deadly trick. He takes a teddy bear out of his backpack and tosses it. It soars over the air towards the enemies. When it gets close enough to them but as far away as I can accurately shoot it, I lift the sights of my rifle up to my face and I try and aim directly at it. Time seems to slow down as I line up the red dot with the bear. I squeeze the trigger and a moment later an explosion goes off. Gray smoke covers the area where the enemies were. Some of them could still be alive and I have no ammo so this is my chance to get close. I stay low, but I quickly run in a half circle until im behind them. I see one man crouching low searching for us. He is unharmed. I slowly approach him and he shoots my squad member to death. I let out a yell in my head and I move faster. I bring my knife down into his neck. Then I hear a click that I have heard a billion times before. and I feel cold metal pressed against my head. I close my eyes. I hear a loud bang that echos in my head as the world I had been seeing is replaced with darkness.
This has promise, and is good for your age.
Here’s one way to create a better flow to your story: resist the urge to construct every sentence with subject/predicate form. You’re beginning most all those sentences with "I" or "He." The form has to be varied so it doesn’t sound choppy.
"I release the empty mag from my rifle and I slide in my last mag."
For one thing, you don’t need the second "I." Take it out.
Also, try inverting a sentence like this to "Releasing the spent magazine from my rifle, I realize that I’m holding in my other hand the last reload."
When sentences start with verbs or adverbs, it takes the pressure off temporarily. Then you can still have a few sentences starting with "I" or "He" and it won’t sound wrong at all.
Add some scene description, such as "dropping down behind the rocky embankment, my boots slide in the mud and I scrape my knees on the pebbles," or something like that. Then the reader is slowly following your progress and feels as if he can picture the scene.
Very good writing, it just needs sentence variation and more scene description.
Wow that was awesome! Hope your planning on making a book and have lot`s of chapters because I would`ve continued to read this if it was longer. Good luck because this beginning will get far!
for 13 this is really good!
However i think you need to keep an eye on how often you repeat things, such as the word ‘scope’ in your first few sentences as it disrupts the flow of the words. I’d also recommend you look at the start of some of your sentences, you have a lot in a row that all start with ‘i’ or ‘he’, maybe if you joined some sentences together?
I also think you need to mix some longer sentences in amongst the short ones, it makes it seem a bit abrupt at the moment.
And lastly you have lots of technical description, which is interesting and good but i’d suggest you throw in a bit of emotional description to allow the reader to relate to the character; it will make it more interesting to read.
For your age this is awesome, these are just some things i think will alow you to take it to the next level.
Good luck with your writing, i hope this helps
WARNING: HARSH CRITICISMS. I WILL BE CRITIQUING YOU LIKE I WOULD AN ADULT. IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT, THEN SKIP THIS COMMENT
I honestly cannot stand reading this. If I were an agent/editor, I would have stopped at the second sentence and threw it in the trash.
The first thing I looked at was the giant block of text. No paragraphs? What’s with that? Can’t reach the enter key? Instead of letting that stop me from reading, I went on.
The second thing I notice is it’s in present tense. If you are going to write in present tense, you have to be the kind of writer, where you can pull it off without the audience noticing. In other words, I can start a story and read through three chapters, stop and say, "Whoa, this is in present tense." The fact that it took me three chapters to notice is a very good thing. That’s what you want to aim for.
I noticed this was present tense in the first sentence. Ergo, you’re not good enough to pull it off yet. You may be one day, but not today. Change it to past tense, and the whole story will flow better.
The third thing that I noticed is that every sentence is action after action. "I did this. I did that." The beauty of writing in first person, is that you can delve into that persons THOUGHTS. This has absolutely no thinking in it, whatsoever. What that tells me, is that you know what the character will do, but not what he’s thinking while doing it. If you are writing in first person, that means as you write, you have to *become* that character, and write the thoughts of that character as you think of it.
What is he thinking when he hears the shooting? First person writing is a stream-of-consciousness type. You write what the character thinks, not just his actions.
For those reasons: lack of paragraphs, the present tense, the lack of thought and character development (from what I gather), if I were an agent, this wouldn’t cut it.
You should also take the advice from the other answers. I skipped over several things, just because they already pointed them out. If I were you, I would rewrite this entire thing.
Please, don’t let what I say discourage you from writing. If you can take what I say, and use it to better your writing, then you will grow as a writer. I’m sad to say, I don’t think you can publish at the level that you are at. But honestly, you shouldn’t be considering it at thirteen. You should write because you enjoy it. Only through continuous writing will you ever become better.